Cheeky, Cheeky Monkey!

WARNING TO ALL - Monkeys are not safe to play with!

At first they seem so shy and cute, but that is exactly their plan. They want to lure you in so they can:

A) bite your f-ing arm
B) Poo all f-ing over you
C) steal your camera or f-ing passport

I'm am the worst sucker of all too because I have already chalked up both B and C on the old experience list. You'd think that by now I'd have learned my lesson about Monkeys. This one below just looked at me with those dark innocent eyes and shyly came towards me. He reached up cautiously with one hand and touched my arm, then he put the other on as well. I was stupidly baby talking to him when he BIT MY F-ING ARM OUT OF NOWHERE! Then he quickly ran away to his tree and stared at me. I'm surprised he didn't start throwing poo at me.

Anyway people, take heed. Lock up your children. Store up your Cream of Wheat and Eggo waffles. The monkeys will soon be upon us and no one will be able to resist their cuteness and get away with out bitten arms and a poo shower.

Today I was grateful for my Mom. We"ve been buddies since 1980.

R rated movies in 6th grade

When I was in 6th grade I loved Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Of course we couldn't rent them because we were underage, so we devised a plan that would enable us to feed our Van Damme appetites. One of us (my friend Kanon Knaphus and I) would go to Video Verns on our bike, and the other would stay home and play "dad". When we would take the movie up to the counter they would say, "I'm going to have to call your parents and get permission for you to rent this movie". "Ok", we'd say, "I think my dad's home now". Kanon would then answer in his deepest voice and pretend to be my dad giving me permission.

The weirdest part about it is that this worked every single time. I mean who were those morons working at video verns anyway? Can't you tell when you are talking to a 12 year old kid who hasn't hit puberty yet? I mean seriously! I don't know how that ever worked. (Sorry, if you worked at Video Verns during the years 1992 - 1995 then I must apologize...you are a moron)

here's to you Jean Claude Van Damme! a tribute to the greatest kickboxer ever.

I think I'm going to puke.

I just acutally went through my blog and realized how many pictures there are of me on here, and more especially, how many of them show me without my shirt on. I apologize to anyone who stops here and thinks, "wow, this guy really is obsessed with himself".

Now I can see why marriage is a good thing. When you are married, no one gets blog time but your damn kids. I need some damn kids so I can stop acting so self-centered.

Anyone want to help out with that?

Match.com works!

I met my match on match.com! And I know that you can too!

Actually it was my boss, Ryan Allen, who searched far and wide and eventually came up with my match. Can you decide who is the real Dave Crump and who is the imposter?
I'm having a hard time deciding myself.

un filme français

I might be mistaken, but isn't this the cover of "The Little Mermaid"? I think the penis hidden on the castle is a little less subtle in the french version.

Mutants among us!

This is the reason I spent $2000 on camera equipment. Shake your head, snap a picture...the fun just never stops. I spent a week in Kauai and half of my pictures ended up being these types of pictures. I think that means I am an idiot.

Vonder Boy Returns!!!

The newest hit single from the popular German band "Vonder Boy". Hold on to your butt cracks!






Click on the play button to hear the smash hit that has all of Europe in a frenzy!

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Tax day, Birth day

For the first time in my life I have realized that having my birthday on tax day might not be such a good thing for me. Therefore, from this time forth I am now changing my birthday to april 16th so I don't get caught in a sick tax mess like I did today - as far as I'm concerned, my birthday started at 4:15 pm when I mailed my forms off. Anyway, my new birthday is in like 15 minutes so Happy Birthday Dave!!! Here we go again!!

Just in case you didn't notice, there's not much to this post. I'm trying to find my sea legs again little by little. I apologize for the mediocrity.

I'm goin' to Jackson...

Stopped in Jackson Hole two weekends ago. We waited about 20 minutes for the clouds to clear away from the Tetons. When they finally cleared, we sighed, gave them a firm handshake, thanked them for always being there for us, and then we left. It probably didn't even matter to them, I mean, they have thousands of people from all over the world visit them every year - what importance could a couple of kids from Utah be to them? Well you know what Tetons? I DON'T NEED YOU!! So get off of your high horse and screw yourselves!! WE DIDN'T WAIT FOR CLOUDS TO CLEAR FOR 20 MINUTES JUST TO GET TREATED LIKE NOBODY'S!!! You and your "majestic peaks"....ah fewey!! NO ONE CARES!

We had a good time.

I wanted to post something so I didn't have to look at my face anymore on my blog.

So... Merry Christmas to all who stop here, even if it's by accident. Dave loves you!

Click play below and have a listen...

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So now that I work full time, life has really become...different. I get up early, work all day and end up staying late because I'm so swamped that I can't stand it. Since I started, my going to bed routine has changed from what it used to be. Please see below:

A sunset and no shoulder

Earlier tonight I went to Carlsbad beach to take some pictures of whatever I found there. I just so happened to stumble upon a lovely sunset and I thought what a shame it was that I did not have a shoulder to lean on. So as the sun descended, I pressed my ear against my own shoulder and that did the trick just fine. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone in such a big crowded state...I just felt dumb, but that's better than feeling alone.

The rest of the sunset pics are posted in my web album. Give it a gander if you feel so inclined.

Twirls na Praia

Oh Joy.

When work doesn't go my way

I have a new work strategy to help me sell the best I can while I'm here in Cali. On days that I go out and don't sell anything, I force myself to go to the local gas station and get the biggest drink available and drink all of it on the drive home. It's sort of my punishment for not performing well. In most cases, the cup size is ridiculously huge (64 oz.) and ends up weighing about 5 pounds when full. I know one day I'll go in to a gas station and the biggest cup is going to be some kind of bucket thing...and I'll have to get it, and I'll have to drink ALL of it too. Hopefully I don't have any more "no sale" days.

A curious photograph

Can anyone identify the large man lurking in the shadows at the pottery shop? All I got was this profile of his shadow.

Redeeming the French

There are a few things, as far as I'm concerned, that are active forces working toward a redemption of the French. They are as follows:

1. The film "Paris, je'taime."
2. A fond memory of sitting on a rock in southern France. Those who were there know.
3. A fond memory of being in a small market in southern France and having my brain turned to mush.
4. Keren Ann's album "Nolita". Just have a listen...you'll feel better about our arrogant friends across the ocean in no time.

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First day of work technical foul

Hi. My name is Dave, and I'm a boss. It's a title that is rather new to me...and it's a mantle that fits on my shoulders about as comfortably as a shoulder ride for Robert Hufford. Robert Hufford is fat in case you didn't know. And he smells bad.

Over the weekend, I saw an opportunity to expand our vast workforce of 3 sales reps to an even 4. He was a nice kid of 23 years and he was looking for a job. I told him he could start Monday.

Today was Monday, his first day and also his last day. After showing up to work with thug-like shorts and black socks pulled up to mid calf, he thought that wearing his cool sunglasses would be a good idea while trying talk to people about Pest Control at their doors. "Fine", I thought..."honest mistakes. The kinks will smooth themselves out." We headed out of the car and to the first door. A "snap" sound caught my attention and I looked back at him just in time to see him hit his chew box one more time to pack it well. He opened the box, pulled out a pinch of chew and stuffed it under his lip and said, "ok, I'm ready now."

I must say that as his boss, I was thoroughly impressed. I mean, on your first day of work, if you are looking to impress the person who hired you, be sure to bring your chewing tobacco and be ABSOLUTELY SURE that you pack it put it under you lip right in front of him. If you want to know the biggest sales secret known to man, there it is, try to talk to people and make a good impression on potential clients with some snuff making your lip fat.

Now I have to be a real boss and fire poor kid tomorrow. I guess now I know how Donald Trump feels all the time on his show. Dang! That's rough Don. All I know is that I want Robert Hufford off of my shoulders as soon as possible. Robert is fat, just in case you didn't know. And he's a liar.

Garred you're right

Dear Garred

You're right. That probably is the gayest post I've done yet. You've always had a keen eye for when I'm being gay and need to be corrected - kind of like that one time on the cruise when I was wearing tuxedo shorts and the indonesian janitor asked me if I had "any gay DVD". Not even just "a gay DVD", he wanted "any gay DVD". That was one desperate gay indonesian janitor.

I'll do my best in the future to not dissapoint. If I have to post something gay again, I'll be sure to include a picture of a girl I'm really attracted to at the bottom just so everyone knows that they are in a hetero cyberspace...there is, however, no smoking in this space and absolutely no running by the pool under any circumstances. Those are the only rules. I don't know what this post is even about anymore. Over and out.

Love Dave.

Tribute to the song

This is a song of songs. Nothing new about it, I've been listening to it for a couple years now. When you listen to it, see if it doesn't match your mood. I listen to it when I'm happy...it fits. I listen to it when I'm sad...it fits. When I'm somewhere in between, it fits. It has a bit of a Mona Lisa smile to it I guess. I listen to it after selling all day long and getting my butt kicked out there...it fits. This is Loro by Pinback.